Circle Squared
A Textual Analysis of the Book of Mormon
Chapter 9: "Dance, Monkeys, Dance"
Chapter Summary:
Jacob explains that the Jews will be gathered in all their lands of promise--The Atonement ransoms man from the Fall--The bodies of the dead will come forth from the grave, and their spirits from hell and from paradise--They will be judged--The Atonement saves from death, hell, the devil, and endless torment--The righteous are to be saved in the kingdom of God--Penalties for sins are set forth--The Holy One of Israel is the keeper of the gate. About 559–545 B.C.
Warning: This chapter is a doozy...
Posturing as a psychic, Jacob claims to know that his people know certain future events will occur, such as the coming of the messiah. Apparently all of the Nephites are also psychic, according to Jacob. This is a more common tactic among religious folk than many realize.
Not only do Mormons often fervently assert knowledge of things for which they have no evidence, but they also like to assert that others, especially Mormon apostates, also know way down in their nether regions that certain unsubstantiated supernatural claims are true. This is made evident every time a believer tries to get an apostate to admit they are in denial and are just rebelling so they can sin.
I can't possibly know whether or not a person actually knows something. But I can say that the reasons religious people often give for their knowledge (warm fuzzy feelings) are not very compelling to me and I question whether their methods are reliable. A little demonstrability goes a long way.
In my experience of trying to believe Mormonism (the religion of my upbringing), at no point did I experience any seemingly divine sensation which could not easily be explained by my subconscious desire to believe. It is possible to feel a "burning in the bosom", as they call it, without supernatural aid. Just ask anyone who has witnessed the birth of a child, or gets teary-eyed during dramatic or inspirational movies, or just really, really likes cheese. How a person feels about a proposition speaks nothing to its truth.
Jacob shows, through a long list of incongruent assertions, that basic Christian theology is logically questionable. I mean, logically sound. "If this, then there must needs be that" and so on. None of it is demonstrated or supported. He just strings together a bunch of stuff in basically the same way Nephi asserted a bunch of stuff a few chapters ago. Read it for yourself:
"For as death hath passed upon all men, to fulfil the merciful plan of the great Creator, there must needs be a power of resurrection, and the resurrection must needs come unto man by reason of the fall; and the fall came by reason of transgression; and because man became fallen they were cut off from the presence of the Lord."
"Wherefore, it must needs be an infinite atonement--save it should be an infinite atonement this corruption could not put on incorruption. Wherefore, the first judgment which came upon man must needs have remained to an endless duration. And if so, this flesh must have laid down to rot and to crumble to its mother earth, to rise no more."
Jacob goes on to explain the intricacies of hell and damnation, a favorite motivational point of Protestant Christians. You see, the all-powerful, all-knowing supreme ruler of the universe intentionally set up a system of justice where those imperfect mortals who dare offend his delicate sensibilities, as he designed them to do, should suffer eternally at the hands of one very irate fallen angel of light. How Satan was able to swing such a sweet gig, I may never know.
Seriously, this is the best plan a supreme being could come up with? What stops god from just forgiving humans for doing exactly what he designed us to do? Why would he allow the most important knowledge, at least according to Christian assertions, to only be attainable through the most subjective, yet least reliable methodology? To test our faith? It's funny how my faith in aspirin never needs such testing.
Several times during this inflated postulation, Jacob says that death and hell, etc. are defeated through Christ's death and resurrection. How? How does human sacrifice solve anything? Even if I grant Jacob every one of his unsupported claims, how could killing someone in a most horrific and excruciating way undo any wrongs committed by mortals against an all-powerful god. None of it makes any sense.
This whole business of blood atonement, about which we have not heard the last, stems from the primitive and barbaric notion of scapegoating. This was a large part of ancient Judaism, and some sects of Judaism still practice animal sacrifice for the atonement of sins. Christians took this brutal ritual to the next level, although they claim that Jesus was the only human sacrifice necessary and all other blood sacrifices are moot.
At some point god will grow tired of watching us mortals toil through this existence and all the dead, righteous or wicked, will have their spirits and bodies rejoined so they can be judged by god. It is at this point that everyone will have "a perfect knowledge" of everything they did and they will know god and his plan. Jacob fails to mention that it is at this moment of clarity that faith becomes a thing of the past. Why would god judge us eternally based solely on our actions when we had limited or no knowledge of the infinite impact of our actions?
And to those whose knee jerk reaction is that god doesn't want robots in heaven, I ask: How does Satan rebel against god if he knows god exists? If he can do it, why can't we? Additionally, if everyone in heaven knows that god exists and there is no sin in heaven, do people in heaven have free will? If so, then why not allow people on earth to make an informed decision (like Satan)? If not, then they are robots.
Mormon doctrine states that there is no eternal hell, only a temporary holding cell until the final judgment. Think of it as catholic purgatory. After judgment, everyone is allotted a plot in one of three heavenly kingdoms, the least of which is said to be greater in glory than our current state on earth. "Hell" is described as a state of mind: anguish caused by separation from god's presence.
This is odd to me because nothing like the current model of Mormon heaven is described in the Book of Mormon. Sometime after the book's initial publication, Joseph Smith published a second book of his own writings and prophecies called "The Book of Commandments" (now called the "Doctrine and Covenants"). It was in this second book that the concept of a multi-tiered heaven for everyone was first introduced. It is not surprising to me, then, that the Book of Mormon would reflect Joseph's Protestant view of heaven and hell, rather than the more ecumenically evolved idea that everyone gets some form of paradise.
Just listen to Jacob describe the hell which comes after judgment (not the holding cell prior to it):
"they who are filthy shall be filthy still; wherefore, they who are filthy are the devil and his angels; and they shall go away into everlasting fire, prepared for them; and their torment is as a lake of fire and brimstone, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever and has no end."
Call me a hard-hearted cynic whose bias will never allow me to objectively view Mormonism, but this sounds an awful lot like the "fire and brimstone" preachings Joseph would have heard regularly in any number of churches and revivals. He even uses the words "everlasting fire" and "their torment is as a lake of fire and brimstone" to describe hell. Nothing about Jacob's hell sounds like Mormonism's "bottom-rung" heaven.
Keep in mind that regardless of whether or not Jacob is describing a Protestant "fire-brand" hell or a Mormon "wishy-washy" hell, we are still entertaining the idea that god would punish eternally imperfect mortals which he designed and equipped with, at best, incomplete information based on subjective emotional experiences which resemble naturally occurring feelings, who offend him in arbitrary and finite ways exactly as he knew they would before he created them. This is the form of justice which Jacob calls "great". I call it sadistic.
Jacob explains the very modern Christian idea (not Jewish) that in order for the children of Adam to be spared this eternal punishment for finite crimes against an omnipotent being they must do certain things: "And if they will not repent and believe in his name, and be baptized in his name, and endure to the end, they must be damned."
The short list is repentance, belief in Jesus, baptism and endure to the end. None of these, of course, would be reasonable to do without first having come to a belief in the Christian god. Why would you "repent" of arbitrary sins if you do not first think that a god would punish you eternally for committing those acts? Likewise, baptism, although fairly innocuous, is meaningless without a belief that a god commanded it.
Mormons, like many Christians, are very particular in their method of baptism. None of this "sprinkling on the head" garbage; god requires you to be drowned for just a little bit, otherwise he can't know for sure that you are serious. Never mind god's omniscience. God cares greatly about minutia.
One of the most impactful and difficult to explain principles of many Christian belief systems, most notably Catholicism, is the idea that those who live and die without ever hearing about Jesus and without a chance to accept Jesus' atonement and be baptized, etc. will be sent to hell despite their ignorance. Many philosophers have pointed out the inherent injustice of this predicament. Jacob offers a solution in verse 26:
"For the atonement satisfieth the demands of his justice upon all those who have not the law given to them, that they are delivered from that awful monster, death and hell, and the devil, and the lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment; and they are restored to that God who gave them breath, which is the Holy One of Israel."
In other words, those who die without ever hearing the laws of god will not be held accountable in the same way as those who know the law. In effect, they get a free ticket to the pearly gates of heaven. If this is the case, then the worst, most despicable thing a person could do is inform others of god's law thereby robbing them of their ticket to ride.
It is for this reason Mormon missionaries are evil. Their own theology suggests that they send more people to hell than to heaven, simply by telling people what they believe. If their religion is true and they want to save the greatest number of people from damnation, then they should never tell anyone about their beliefs, lest it falls on deaf (or skeptical) ears and the person is inadvertently damned because some young Mormon tart couldn't effectively sell their brand of snake oil.
Of course, it could be argued that, given the subjective and inconsistent nature of god's method of disseminating knowledge to mortals, no one can "know" what god's law actually is. Therefore, all are innocent and deserve a free ticket to heaven.
Perhaps Jacob knew that one day smart people would see through this farce, so he includes a provision which condemns intelligence if it goes against god:
"O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish."
"But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God."
So, it is better to be an uneducated believer than an educated skeptic? Hmmm...
This is a variation of the common villainization of intellectuals. Too bad for religious charlatans, young people today are becoming less religious and more likely to become unassociated with any religious group (~30%). Many attribute this cultural shift to the accessibility of information available to young people through the internet. Mormons are not immune to this.
Sites which explore the problems within Mormonism, such as mormonthink.com, have been growing in popularity ever since Mitt Romney ran for president in 2012. In response, the church has issued a series of whitewashed essays designed to paint Mormonism in a more favorable light than that portrayed by pesky fact-checking historians.
As if it wasn't hard enough to avoid damnation, Jacob lists several groups who will have a hard time during judgment. First up, rich people! Oh, Christians and their overt distaste for wealth. Good thing true believers don't have to worry about riches since they always take the admonition of Jesus to sell all that they have and give it to the poor.
Perhaps Jacob would benefit from a meeting with Bill Gates, who donates millions of dollars every year to various charities and schools. Perhaps he would be surprised to learn that Warren Buffet, who also donates millions to charity every year, has pledged to donate the bulk of his 80 billion dollar fortune to charity when he dies. And both of these men are atheists!
I would be surprised if Thomas Monson, president of the Mormon Church and the sole named proprietor of church investments, would dare to liquidate his assets and give them to the poor. How much stock in Coke does the church own (in the name of Mr Monson)? I wonder how many wells with clean drinking water could be built in developing countries with the money Mormons spend on their temples.
The Mormon Church uses less than one percent of their earnings (an estimated 8 billion dollars a year from tithing alone) for charitable causes and in recent years spent over 1.5 billion dollars on a high-end shopping mall in down town Salt Lake City--more money than they used for charity and humanitarian aid in the last 25 years combined!
Pointing fingers, dear Jacob, is a dangerous game.
Others to make the list of the unsavory damned include: the deaf (spiritually), the blind (spiritually), uncircumcised of heart, liars, murderers, whores, and worshipers of idols. It is a pretty straightforward Christian hit-list.
One more group also makes the list, which, as far as I can tell, includes practically everyone: those who die in their sins. Since Christians believe everyone is a sinner--no one is perfect--how could anyone die in anything other than their sins? Perhaps if a person is baptized and then immediately dies (drowning?) they may make it to heaven, but how many times has that happened?
Verse 39 reminds us of one of the silliest aspects of Christianity: "Remember, to be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal."
This passage is one of many which allow Mormons to beat themselves up whenever they think sexy thoughts. After all, Jesus said that lust is tantamount to adultery, and Jacob just said that whoredoms are on the fast-track for damnation, so you do the math.
Inventing a disease and then offering the cure is the mark of a charlatan. This, in a nut shell, surmises the Mormon high-jacking of healthy human sexuality. I mean, they tell teens that they will be damned if they masturbate, for Christ's sake. The fact that god would give teenagers fully functioning libidos and equipment to match, and then threaten them with eternal torment should they use it as manufactured, truly speaks to the Mormon god's sadism.
Jacob reassures those who agree with him that they are righteous, and those who "say that I have spoken hard things against you" necessarily "revile against the truth". This is more of that "sin is just rebellion" talk I mentioned above. Not a very compelling argument for those that are not simply "rebelling" and have thought long and hard about these issues and have yet to be convinced. Such people require evidence, not veiled threats of postmortem retribution and retaliation. Put up, or shut up.